I’m sorry this is long and may take up your dash because I can’t make this a read me because I’m on mobile and I’m fucking stupid. Forgive me, please.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling pretty dysphoric lately.

I don’t know how much I’ve mentioned on this site about my gender identity but basically my sex is female and my gender is fluid so it switches from female to neutrois (gender neutral). My gender may stay the same for months or change within hours. (Considering this, and the fact that the only person who knows in real life is my sister, I want people to use female pronouns for me for the sake of simplicity and it makes life easier for everyone.) Sometimes, when I am neutrois, I feel gender dysphoria, but this is not always the case. There are many times when I feel content, even happy with my sex, regardless of whether I identify as female or neutrois.

This is not one of those times. I am angry and lonely and depressed and anxious, all at the same time and I’m not sure how that works but that’s what’s happening. I just hate having this body. (Although, even when I’m female, I hate it but at least I’m okay with my sex.) But THIS is just horrid. I can’t stand feeling like this piece of shit. I just cannot. I honestly want to cut my breasts off right now and the only thing stopping me right now is someone finding out. (Face it, I live with five other people and there are two guests and that’s not exactly a situation that would stay hidden.)

What makes me feel worse is my gender identity, itself. I can’t ever get a sex reassignment surgery that I’d like because I’m not an FtM. I’ve NEVER identified as male and I never wanted a male body. (Male bodies are lovely and all, just not for me.) Even if, humor me, it were possible for me to have a gender neutral body, I would probably STILL experience dysphoria because my gender can switch to female and there are times when I love the “feminine” parts about my body. (i.e. my secondary sex characteristics)

There is just no winning, for a lack of better words, with this, is there? I hate having this odd gender identity that probably makes little sense to anyone else besides me. I hate not being able to being able to tell people because, I mean, if trans* people who fit in the binary and aren’t fluid (e.g. FtMs and MtFs) suffer from some horrid transphobia, what hope is there for me?

I can’t wear the clothes I want because I’m still a minor living with my parents who I know would never accept me. Sometimes, I want to wear feminine clothing like dresses and shit, which they are obviously okay with. But, sometimes, I want to wear masculine clothing and you must understand that I NEVER identify as male. I know it’s hard to understand but gender identity can be different from expression. (An example of this would be cross dressers.) Here’s another twist: the clothing I want to wear may be irrespective of my current gender. (For example, today, I wore a dress, despite being neutrois and feeling dysphoric.) As you can see, my whole gender thing isn’t exactly the typical story you hear, when you hear about trans* experiences. Or at least, this is how I feel.

I may say that my family is factor that keeps me from dressing the way I want, but, in all honesty, even when I’m financially independent and on my own, I can’t say I’m sure I’ll be that much more open. (Wearing a binder some days and alternating between clothes from the women’s section and clothes from the men’s section may raise some suspicion and I’d fear just how bad the transphobia would be.)

I just hate my gender. I really don’t want to say that I wish I was cisgender because everyone has shit to go through in life and many of them certainly have far worse situations than I’ve ever been in. I definitely don’t want to say that I wish I fit in the gender binary and/or that my gender wasn’t fluid because not only does this include cisgender people; it includes trans* people, too. And how can I complain about my gender dysphoria and transphobia when mine isn’t even that bad and I benefit from from the security and ease of life that results from people assuming I’m a cisgender female and the fact that my sister is the only person, in real life, who knows about this whole thing? (My sister is very accepting and strives to understand what she does not know, already. Thank goodness, because she’s the only person who isn’t transphobic in my family.)

My situation isn’t even bad, but, here I am feeling dysphoric and crappy. I feel like a piece of shit and I am one and I wish my gender wasn’t so complex, for lack of better words. I am lonely and frustrated, sad and panicked, as fuck.

carcrashedheartintheblackparade:

I think part of the reason im so into bands and shows and movies and books is because i rather just fill myself with those things than admit that im really lonely and not happy and want to cry most of the time.

(via justlalalovely)

thedramaticsneeze:

hoshigumayuugi:

i actually like being up early i just don’t like getting up early

YOU  PUT THIS IN WORDS

(via justlalalovely)

thefirstgentleman:

casual reminder that for every person who doesn’t want to label their sexuality theres another person who prefers the tangibility of a word and both are ok

(via ubersaur)

#how I make my comebacks

(Source: mufffliato, via itssophiayantastic)

Greek Pantheon Asks

coolscar:

its the eye of the tiger. its the fur of the tiger. and the ears and tail. holy shit its a fucking tiger, run

(via tiger-in-the-flightdeck)

mattbellamysfolds:

“if i’m a person of color, i’m allowed to hate white people!!!!’

“if i’m gay, i’m allowed to hate straight people!!!!”

“if i’m a woman, i’m allowed to hate men!!!”

“if i’m trans*, i’m allowed to hate cis people!!!”

(via lilmissflapper)